This is how awesome my God is!

This is my testimony. Warning: This is a very long testimony so you will be sitting here reading for a while. I suggest grabbing something to drink and some food to hold you over while you read. After reading this, please don’t feel sorry for me. I’m not sharing this to get sympathy or pity. I’m sharing this because I want everyone to know how awesome Jesus is. I want you all to know the true power of the love of Jesus and how accepting Him can truly change your life. He has truly made me a brand new person. After reading this, I hope it will encourage you to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, rededicate your life back to Him, or simply grow even closer to Him. Even further than that, I hope it motivates you to seek Jesus with all your heart. I’m also sharing this to clear up any misconceptions of Christians so-called not having a past or not having things to overcome. All Christians are ex-somethings. Jesus has had a lot of changing to do within all of us, but the fact of the matter is that He CAN do it and He WILL do it if you let Him and trust Him. Enough with all the preaching lol, here is my testimony:

Even before I was born, the enemy had a hit out on my life. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 24. At the time, her and my dad were having a lot of problems. It had gotten to the point that she didn’t want to bring me into all their drama so she had decided to have an abortion. While in the waiting room to get the abortion, the Holy Spirit comforted her, told her to not have the abortion, and reassured her that everything would be all right. She walked out of that clinic and never looked back. I was born several months later on July 23, 1989. I really don’t remember much about my life before the age of 4, but my mom always says that I was a happy child and a very inquisitive child. However, when I was 4, my world was turned upside down. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. Now that I think about it, my parents’ divorce hurt me much more than I thought. I was devastated at the fact that my father would no longer be in the home with us. For the longest I was angry with my mom because I felt like it was her fault. Eventually we got through it. I would get to see my dad every other weekend and that was okay until me and my mom got in an argument or she wouldn’t let me do certain things. Anytime she upset me I would tell her I was going to live with my dad. I would call my dad and ask if I could come live with him, but he would always say no because my mom needed me there with her. Eventually I just stopped asking. It made me feel like he didn’t want me or that he didn’t want me around that much, which broke my heart. When I was 7, my dad remarried. The day of his wedding, I was angry. The reality of the fact that my mom and dad would never be together again had finally hit me. On top of that, the woman my dad married didn’t like me. After they were married, her true colors showed. She would mistreat me: she would try to cause division between me and my dad, she would lie to me, she would lie on me, and she would be nice to me one day and be mean to me the next. She made it clear through her actions that she hated me. As I got older, I began to hate having to go over my dad’s house every other weekend. The reasons why were that 1. His wife mistreated me, 2. He would never spend time with me, 3. He would always leave me there alone with his wife. As time went on, I began to resent my dad. That resentment eventually grew into hate. I hated him for always saying that he wanted to spend time with me, but he never spent time with me when I was at his house. I hated him for never showing me in his actions that he loved me. I hated him for not doing anything about the way his wife treated me even though I told him what was going on. In my mind, a father was supposed to be a protector, but he didn’t do that. I hated him for not being the best example of a man in that whenever his wife wasn’t there, he would be on the phone with other women and he would allow me to overhear these vulgar conversations with these women. My first example of a good marriage and what is a good man is supposed to be my parents, but I didn’t have that. I had this twisted, distorted view of what love was.

I didn’t discover boys until I was 13. I guess that’s typical since that’s when most kids begin puberty. The first time I was ever in “love” was when I was 13. The reason why I put love in quotation marks is because now that I look back on it, that was not true love nor puppy love. It was very distorted. The first guy I fell in love with was Roy. Roy was my aunty’s adopted son. Yeah, this is pretty embarrassing to admit. My mom and my aunty were trying to raise us as cousins, but we had other things in mind. My relationship with him was very unhealthy. I made him my everything. It was to the point that our moods were dependent on each other. If he was up, then I was up; if he was down, then I was down and vice versa. Our parents didn’t know about our relationship and because they didn’t know, they would let us spend the night over each other’s house under the pretense that it was two cousins hanging out. Now, that I look back on it, even if we were really cousins, it wasn’t appropriate for us to be spending the night over each other’s houses since he was a boy and I was a girl, but our parents were away from the Lord at the time so they didn’t see it as a big deal. After our very first kiss, our relationship escalated out of control. We didn’t have sex, but the things we did were sexually immoral. This lasted almost a year with no one knowing what was going on. Finally, our parents found out and they tried to bring an end to it. We pretended to end our relationship, but we continued to sneak and talk to each other. When I would go over his house, we would find ways to be alone without anyone knowing. This lasted for a little while and then our parents found out. This time they did a better job of keeping us apart. When this happened, I fell into a deep depression. I wouldn’t talk to anyone; I just kept to myself. It got to the point that I began to have suicidal thoughts. Every night I cried myself to sleep. I just didn’t want to go on with my life; I wanted to give up and just die. My mom realized what was going on and so one night she grabbed a bottle of olive oil, rubbed some on my forehead, and began to pray over me. She even prayed over me in the Spirit. I thank God for her doing that. After that, each day I got stronger and those suicidal thoughts began to leave me. It took time, but I got stronger. My mom and I started back going to church, but I never really developed a relationship with God. I just saw church as somewhere my mom forced me to go. I never really paid attention in church.

Although I was over Roy, I felt lonely. I felt like something was missing; I had a void in my life. I thought the way to fill that void was with a relationship so throughout middle school and high school I dated different guys. I never did anything sexually with them until my senior year of high school. That’s when I met Chris. I met Chris through my best friend at the time. He wasn’t anything special and I didn’t really like him, but I really wanted a boyfriend so I asked him to be mine and he agreed. After a few weeks of dating, he took my virginity. It wasn’t anything special. I just wanted to get it out of the way. This is the biggest regret of my life, but I can’t go back and change it. I dated Chris all through my senior year. At this time, my mom was working a second job to help take care of me and pay for all my expenses (graduation, my debutante program, etc.) because my dad wasn’t helping out financially other than a pitiful $300 every month of child support. Since my mom worked nights, Chris would come over my house and we would just have sex. One night my mom came home sooner than we expected and everything was revealed. She was angry, but even worse she called my dad. He came over and yelled at me and Chris. While he was yelling, I didn’t really get anything out of it. I kept thinking, “Who is he to yell at me? He hasn’t even been a part of my life and now he wants to discipline me?” I didn’t take him seriously. I acted remorseful and sorry, but in reality I wasn’t sorry for anything. I continued to see Chris a little after that and then a couple of months later I broke up with him. I didn’t feel anything. I was focusing on finding my next boyfriend. At the end that summer, I met my next boyfriend. His name was Leon. Leon was one guy that I would have never imagined myself dating and I would have never thought in a million years that I would fall as hard for him as I did. Leon wasn’t very attractive, but he had all the confidence in the world. He knew how to make me laugh and he was so easy to talk to. I could talk to him about any and everything. When we first became friends, we just talked and then our relationship soon led to something sexual. We were what you would call “friends with benefits” for a few months until he asked me to be his girlfriend. Once he made me his girlfriend, I made him my life. I would spend all my time with him; I would do any and everything for him. In the beginning he didn’t take advantage of it, but after a while he did, which wasn’t his fault. That’s what happens when you constantly do for someone to the point that you enable them. After about a year, I got tired of constantly doing and not getting anything in return. I tried talking to him about it, but things didn’t change. So I started talking to another guy. This guy had so much going for himself. He was going to college; he worked, and had a car. I thought I had hit the jackpot. Little did I know, I was walking in to an even worse situation. So I broke up with Leon for Markus.

Markus took me on dates, he wined and dined me. For our first date, he took me to six flags and he paid for everything. I seriously thought I had upgraded. He wanted to wait to have sex, but I didn’t. I kept bugging him about it. Now, that I look back on this, I realized that I had a problem when it came to sex. A spirit of sexual immorality had attached itself to me. I believe this spirit of sexual immorality is a generational curse passed down on my dad’s side. It started with his father and attached itself to him and his siblings and then passed down to their kids. Finally, Markus gave in and we had sex. After that, our relationship was ruined. That was all he wanted to do. He no longer took me out. Sex was our relationship. After a while, he broke up with me. I wasn’t saddened by it. It was whatever. However, even though we had broken up, we still had sex with each other. The arrangement was fine with me for a while, but then it got to the point where it wasn’t enough so I went back to my ex and began a sexual relationship with him. I was so far gone. Having a sexual relationship with two different guys; I was truly lost. That was the furthest I was ever away from God. This lasted for about a year. I no longer wanted a relationship with a guy because I didn’t want to get hurt. Instead, I took on a “player mentality”. I wouldn’t have a boyfriend; I would just talk to and mess around with different guys.

Finally, I got to the point where I was completely empty. None of these guys could fill this empty void. I felt alone and so lost. Finally, I decided to seek God. I went to church one Sunday by myself and I rededicated my life back to the Lord. That was the happiest day of my life. I finally felt peace and joy. I no longer had a void in my life. I had truly found my missing puzzle piece. I had started going to church consistently and God began to bless me tremendously. He used me to help bring my mom back to Him. She started going to church with me. Things were all going well until I met Marc.

I met Marc one night at my friend’s church. She had invited me to the youth night at her church. We went bowling. I met Marc and I was mesmerized. I thought he was perfection. He was handsome, had so much charisma, was very charming, and he was a Christian, at least that was the title he carried, but little did I know was that he didn’t actually live up to that title. We flirted with each other while bowling, but he didn’t ask me for my number. That night I went home with him on my mind. I couldn’t stop think about him all week. I even told my mom about him and I told my friend that I liked him a lot. That following Friday, I got a text from him. My friend gave him my number. Coming to find out, he like me as much as I liked him. After that, I was quickly headed down a path to heartache. We talked to each other every day. We spent as much time together as we could. After our first kiss, trouble arrived. I had had it made up in my mind that I wasn’t going to have sex again until I was married. Little did I know was that in order to do that, I couldn’t put myself in tempting situations. Although me and Marc would just make out, it was way out of control. Hormones running wild! One day Marc and I were talking on the phone and he said he had something to tell me, but he was afraid to tell me. I begged him to tell me and he did. He said that he loved me. Even though he only knew me for about a month, he knew that he loved me and that I was the one. That made me the happiest person on earth. I knew I loved him too. In my eyes, it was a love at first sight type of deal. That night me and him hung out and I decided to go all the way with him. Afterward, I felt so guilty. I felt horrible because I had broken my promise to God. I also felt insecure. I started to wonder if he would treat me differently because of what we had done. I became afraid and I voiced that to him. Little by little things did begin to change. The good morning texts stopped. The texting all day stopped. The spending as much time together as we did stopped. All of the sudden he no longer liked talking on the phone. I became angry. I was angry with myself for being so stupid. I was angry with him because he was supposed to be a Christian. In my mind, he was supposed to be different than the other guys. He wasn’t supposed to do me like this. In my mind, us having sex was supposed to bring us closer, supposed to cause us to fall in love even more. Boy did the enemy have me fooled! After 3 months, I broke up with him. I couldn’t take it anymore. But soon after I broke up with him, I regretted it. I felt so alone. I had finally hit rock bottom. Oh, this was worse than what I went through with Roy. I would cry all day every day. I shut myself off from everyone including family. I would sleep all day just so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain. I would text Marc asking and begging him to take me back, but he wouldn’t. Finally, I just stopped texting him, but I didn’t stop torturing myself in that I still went to his church with my friend. One day I went to his church and I was dressed up really cute. He text my while in church saying that I looked beautiful. I was so happy. I thought that he was going to take me back, but I was wrong. We started back hanging out again and I thought that I could get him back if I gave him my body. I was fooled again. I did all the things I thought a girlfriend was supposed to do minus the title. I would cook for him and pretty much do anything he asked. This lasted for a couple of months and then I stopped. I realized how stupid I was being. Once again I began my cycle of looking for a boyfriend. Once again I met someone. However, I met the worst person possible. His name was Jordan. Jordan was nice, but on our first date he seemed very controlling. He kept me out until 4 in the morning when I told him my curfew was 2. I asked him to take me home, but he refused to. I didn’t think anything of it, but I wish I had. The day after our first date I went over Jordan’s house thinking we would eat and watch movies. He had something else in mind. He wanted to have sex. I said no because I didn’t know him that well. He disagreed. He started trying to take my clothes off. I kind of laughed it off because I thought he was just playing around, but then he became more forceful. That night Jordan raped me. Although this tragedy occurred, that was the night that Jesus was finally getting through to me. I realized that I needed Him more than anything or anyone on this earth. I didn’t blame Him for what happened. Instead I ran to Him with my arms wide open knowing that He would catch me. I was tired of feeling empty and alone. I was tired of playing Russian roulette with my life. I wanted something more out of life. Most importantly I realized how bad I was hurting Jesus, my Lord and Savior. After that incident, I left guys alone and got back into church. I started back growing closer to God. Once I started doing real good, Marc text me out the blue. Once again I strayed away from God and hit rock bottom once again. This time Marc asked me to be his girlfriend. At first I was hesitant, but finally I gave in. I told him up front that I wasn’t having sex again until I was married. He didn’t understand why. Instead of saying the most important reason, which was because God says fornication is a sin and I want to please God in all my ways, I told him about me being raped. I expected him to be angry. I expected him to try to comfort me. Instead, I got an “oh I’m sorry to hear that, but you shouldn’t let that stop you from having sex.” I was angry. I was beyond hurt. Instead of leaving, I went ahead and had sex with him, but I hated him after that. After that we barely lasted a week before I broke up with him again.

After that last break up, I realized that I couldn’t be with him. What kind of guy who truly loves his girlfriend could say that to her? On top of that, whenever I was with him, I would lose the joy and peace of the Lord, God’s presence would leave me completely and I valued that way more than my relationship with Marc. I broke up with Marc over a year ago and I’m proud to say that I haven’t been back with him nor any other guy for that matter. I have also forgiven Marc. I don’t talk to him, but I don’t have any anger or resentment towards him. I pray for him every day trusting God to turn his life around. I have been celibate for a year and counting and I am so glad. I can honestly say that God has delivered me from fornication. No longer do I desire that lifestyle. What I do desire is to be married and to save myself for my future husband. God has done so many great things in my life. He has taken me so far and has used me to help so many people. I love Jesus so much! I have fallen in love with Him. I grow closer and closer to Him every single day. My life isn’t perfect and I still go through things, but no longer do I worry or fret over trials and tribulations because I know my Savior will get me through it and that there is a blessing for me at the end of the storm. Gosh, I can’t even remember the last time I was depressed! God is so good! I just want to share Him with the world. If God could change me and deliver me from the lifestyle of sexual immorality, He can do it for you! Oh and I forgot to mention that while I was going through all this, back when I was 12 I was diagnosed with lupus. Lupus is basically a disease where your body attacks itself. In the case with me, it came out in the form of rheumatoid arthritis. One thing with lupus is that you can’t stress out because if you do, the disease will worsen. God is so good that even though I was disobedient to Him and caught up in the ways of this world, He kept the lupus from worsening. I actually got better over the years! I was in all kinds of stressful situations, but I went from taking 40mg of prednisone to taking 1mg of prednisone. I’m currently trusting God for my complete, total healing. I know that in the name of Jesus I will be healed! Also, my relationship with my dad is 100 xs better. I love him so much now! We are very close, we spend time together, and I don’t have any hate or resentment in my heart towards him. Also, I have recently developed a relationship with his wife. I adore her and she adores me. All I had to do was show her the love of Christ, trust God, and bam her heart was softened towards me and mine towards her. God is so good! He is my redeemer, my comforter, my prince of peace, my protector, my healer, my Savior, the love of my life, my everything!